You don’t have to be blind or visually impaired to experience panic, but it helps.
For me, there are 4 things that cause me to experience panic.

1. Crowds. I do not mind crowds in a mall or at a concert. I do not mind crowds at the beach or in a packed subway car. I do, however, mind crowds greater than 5 or 6 people where I am expected to know at least some of the people.
I cannot see who is there or who is where. When I enter a room, I cannot assess the space and know whom to approach. I know these people. I belong there. But who is here? I have been known to strike up a conversation with a lamp, ask a mannequin for directions to a bathroom, and greet a golden retriever that was impulsively snatching food from a table. So I wait for someone to notice me, to greet me, and if that does not happen, I am overwhelmed with not knowing what to do and where to go.
I have avoided family gatherings most of my life. I did not attend my high school graduation, or my college graduation, I have declined invitations to weddings. My own wedding was limited to just 10 people including me, the groom, and a five-month-old baby; any more would have ruined my special day.

2. Smoke detectors. I do not know why smoke detectors upset me so. We lived in a small apartment in Portland, Oregon, and there were 3 smoke detectors in our small place. Normal cooking set off all three smoke detectors – frequently. They were ear-piecing! I tried so hard to avoid anything that would set them off, but sometimes just the toaster would do it. Cooking makes my heart pound.
We moved three years ago. There is only one smoke detector in our current apartment. The first time I used my oven, the smoke detector went off. I have not used my oven since.

3. Kids on scooters. Little kids on scooters scare me most. They roll themselves along the sidewalk at a faster pace than they can handle. They cannot steer to avoid objects in their way, including people. The parents or guardians are often far in the distance, sometimes calling to the seemingly deaf wee ones. These kids are essentially untethered and unattended. When they are headed straight at me, I usually do not know until they are near enough that I feel the air movement they generate. They do not comprehend the meaning of a white cane; they do not understand that their path is not automatically cleared for them. I have redirected quite a few of these speeding demons with my hand or body just in the nick of time, or not. I am afraid those little speed demons just might kill me one day!

4. Public Bathrooms. Public bathrooms drive me crazy – even without considering all the germs. First, they have to be found. Just ask. It’s over there, wherever there is! Too many are too dirty and I flat out reject them, immediately. But the nice ones – the ones that are clean and tidy and everything appears to be in the right place, best I can tell, – those are the ones that too often baffle me. I hate the ones with automatic flushes that flush before I am ready. Then there are the ones with delayed mechanisms to get the flush going. After waiting long enough to feel like nothing is going to happen, I start looking for the flush handle or the button or the pedal or something. Then on to the sink. Where are the faucets? I wave my hands here and there and if I am lucky, a measured amount of water appears, but my timing is off and I missed it. So I try again. Look for the soap. I do not think I even once have succeeded in getting the soap dispenser to dispense. Then on to the hand drier. Sometimes I pull a cloth towel through a machine; sometimes it turns out to be an empty paper towel dispenser. Sometimes I place my hands in a magical place and hot air loudly gushes forth. And sometimes I wave my wet hands here and there and nothing more happens.
Push, pull, press, wave here, wave there, hurry, wait…you know what? I’ll just wait.
OK, VIPs. What terrifies you?
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Renee







































